What does every man need?

Quite a few things, I dare say. Generally most of those “needs” could easily be reclassified as “wants”.

In my opinion, however, there is one thing this man needs: a good pair of slippers. After a hard day’s work there are few more comforting or relaxing things as a good pair of comfortable slippers.

Now I haven’t had a proper pair of slippers in several decades. Instead I have replaced slippers with Ugg boots, that wonderful Australian invention with its soft fleecy lining that ease any aches in the feet and is deliciously warm in the winter, cool in the summer and just about perfect for the rest of the year.

Sadly, my old pair of Ugg boots met an unfortunate end recently; they were thrown unceremoniously into the rubbish bin accompanied by rapturous applause from She-Who-Must-Be-Obeyed. (I made that last bit up – the bit about the applause.) My wife has been encouraging me to find a suitable replacement pair for longer than I care to remember. The fleecy lining had been flattened many years ago. The side of one had developed a rip to rival the San Andreas Fault and the outsides no longer looked in prime condition. They could have been mistaken for a oddly shaped refugee from a compost heap.

I tried. I really tried to find a replacement pair but extensive searches and numerous test fittings of potential replacements unearthed nothing suitable. (To be honest, I only went to one local store, and then only tried on about 3 pairs.) Imagine my delight, and my wife’s approval, when I found a pair recently that not only felt comfortable as to size, but also reminded me what I had been missing for so many years.

They are wonderfully comfortable.

Just perfect for relaxing every evening. Don’t know why I didn’t throw the old ones away several years ago.

Read more about Ugg boots here.

Good writing.

I really enjoy using simple, everyday words in new ways and seeing what happens. This is the amazing thing about being a writer. You can take ordinary words and make something extraordinary: a poem, a story, an idea for a novel, a song, an inspirational piece or something that gets up someone’s nose like an annoying insect in one’s ear.

I also love using puns. Now, on occasions this tendency riles people just a tad. Sometimes I get a laugh, sometimes a groan and occasionally a disapproving glare. You get that.

On rare occasions I come up with a little gem; well, I think it’s funny. Like this one:

A few weeks ago my wife wrote “Loose tea” on her shopping list on the fridge. I knew she actually meant “leaf tea” – not tea bags -but the cheekiness within prompted me to add another entry underneath: “Slightly more moral tea”. I just couldn’t resist.

Fortunately my wife saw the funny side and actually laughed out loud.

The risk was worth taking.

Good writing.

A few weeks ago I was sitting on our back veranda enjoying the morning sun on a coolish day and partaking of my morning cup of coffee. I also had a good book to read and all was right with the world.

My enjoyment of the day, the coffee and the book was rudely interrupted by a buzzing bee. It came up close to my coffee mug on the table, hovering only millimetres from the bright blue flowers painted on it. The bee did several close circuits of the mug and decided that the flowers weren’t the genuine sort and with no prospect of a feed.

It then proceeded to hover as close as several centimetres from my face, as if checking to see if I might be a source of nectar. It did this for about ten seconds before flying off to more promising places.

Perhaps it was chastising me for not having real flowers on my coffee mug.

I needed a small snack this afternoon.

Nothing unusual about that. I usually have a light snack mid afternoon – it’s my way of managing my diabetes so I don’t have a hypo just before dinner.

I had to open a new packet of cracker biscuits. Accidentally I tried to open the bottom of the box. My attention was drawn to the words: “Open other end”.

That’s quite a demand, but it set me thinking. What if I refused? What if I rebelled? What if I opened the wrong end of the box?

If I followed my instincts and my sometimes perverted sense of humour, what laws would have I broken? Is it against local council by-laws? Perhaps I’d flaunted a little known state or federal ordinance. Had I broken some important international treaty?

Suitably warned, I took the safe, soft option and obeyed.

It is so easy to slide into clichés, to over use words and especially phrases and expressions which are so old and familiar that their corpses are not only rotten; they smell worse than a skunk sprayed dog before it’s been washed.

It is a rare event when a politician, public figure or some other prominent citizen comes up with something arrestingly original. I laughed out loud earlier this week when I heard someone say, in reference to our federal government, the following words:

“They promised us the world, but they just showed us a picture of an atlas.”

How wonderful.

More power to the people out there not content to squirm in the mud of mediocrity, but make an effort to create new ways of making their point.

Good writing.

Apparently the bard originally had Hamlet, Prince of Denmark, sitting at a table with a blank sheet of drawing paper and a range of drawing pencils in front of him.

Hamlet, looking at the pencils, scratches his head and says: “2B or not 2B, that is the question.”

Some years ago in another life when I was teaching in a large country town in South Australia three of the local schools had cleaners with most appropriate surnames: a Mrs. Grimes, a Mrs. Brushnahan and a Mrs. McLean. At the same time the person overseeing the driver education programme in secondary schools of this state was a Mr. Driver.

Many years ago my wife needed an urgent tetanus injection, something that caused a little consternation on her part until she saw the nurse’s name tag: Nurse Panic. Her laughter eased the pain. A friend of mine also tells about a relative with delight: an instance of a Bishop marrying a Priest.

The Birthday Gift

The small group of family and friends gathered around the table. The glow of the candles lit my face. One puff and they were out, to the cheers of everyone in the room. The flash of my daughter’s camera momentarily blinded me.

“Happy Birthday!” they all shouted and they launched into a shaky rendition of the traditional song.

“C’mon, time to open your gifts.”

I took the first present. I knew it was from my wife. It had sat taunting me for days on one end of the coffee table. I ripped open the beautiful wrapping paper. I think my next expression said it all. It was not the birthday present I was expecting.

I had been giving solid hints for weeks about the latest best-selling novel I wanted to read. The wrapped up parcel looked exactly right. Surely she had heard my heavy hinting?

My gaping mouth said it all. This was most unexpected, and a little embarrassing. As I showed the title to all in the room, I heard a few gasps.

“An Illustrated Guide to Pig Farming,” boasted the cover.

Totally bemused I flipped through a few pages. My puzzled look intensified. There seemed something wrong; no illustrations. I thumbed back to the title page. Now I understood. She had tricked me.

“Thank you darling,” I said as I kissed her cheek. She’d bought me the novel after all. “Nice trick to put on a false cover.”

All rights reserved.

Copyright 2007 Trevor W. Hampel.

They are The Big Questions of Life.

Many philosophers down through the millenia have attempted to bring answers to these burning questions. Probably the most inspiring attempt was contained in the trilogy of five books written by Douglas Adams in his Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy where he cleverly tries to answer the ultimate question of Life, the Universe, and Everything.

But now…

… we have the Answers to the Big Questions in Life (click here).

Sim’ on his blog The Rhyme of Sim’ has written some learned answers to life’s perennial questions.

Disclosure:

• I must point out that Sim’ is related to me; he is, in fact, my son.

The Washington Post’s Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to
take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or
changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year’s
winners. Read them carefully. Each is an artificial word with only one
letter altered to form a real word.

1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until
you realize it was your money to start with.

2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops
bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows
little sign of breaking down in the near future.

4. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the
subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

5. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

6. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the
person who doesn’t get it.

7. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

8. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

9. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

10. Karmageddon: It’s like, when everybody is sending off all these
really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s
like, a serious bummer.

11. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day
consuming only things that are good for you.

12. Glibido: All talk and no action.

13. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when
they come at you rapidly.

14. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after
you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web.

15. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into
your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

16. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in
the fruit you’re eating.

And the pick of the lot:
17. Ignoranus: A person who’s both stupid and an a__hole.

Thanks to Desire Hendrick’s for posting this on her blog A conservancy of one: exploring the craft of writing and life.

Postscript: A few days ago I wrote about the problem of bloggers merely copying the writing of others without bothering to add any value to the original. I’ve just broken my own rules by posting this list without comment.

I really couldn’t add anything to this list.

It’s completely brilliant.

One day I may come up with a few new “words” of my own.